It’s become a practice of the present author in recent years to begin in February a painstaking search for the new ballcap that will express his entire being. It’s also become a practice in recent years to parlay that search into web content so that the author might “remain” “employed.”

Two years ago, this pursuit yielded a Winston-Salem Spirits cap from 1994 with a weird red sun and melancholy eagle on it. Last year, I had the fortune of procuring a handsome Diablos Rojos cap from the actual team store at Parque Fray Nano in Mexico City. In each case, I have documented the relevant search for the benefit of posterity — even if posterity has failed to show any real interest in my work.

Last week, the author began this year’s edition of the search. What follows is the second installment of the newest volume.

To wit:

Atlanta Braves A-Town Corduroy 5-Panel Velcro Snapback (Link)
Style: Snapback
Time Left: 23 days, 5 hours
Cost: US $17.99 (Buy It Now)

While it’s difficult to conceive of a scenario in which one would voluntarily acknowledge any sort of affiliation with the city of Atlanta, this cap is almost certainly the best means by which to do it. The low crown preserves one from the awkward fit offered by other new caps. As for the corduroy, it’s the most expedient way to announce publicly that, regardless of what these so-called “credit reports” suggest, one has plans to acquire a sweet conversion van in the near future.

Mississippi Outlined State Blue Corduroy Hat Cap USA (Link)
Style: Snapback
Time Left: N/A
Cost: US $29.99 (But It Now)

It’s possible to take frequent podcast guest Dayn Perry out of Mississippi, but one can’t ever take the Mississippi out of frequent podcast guest Dayn Perry. Indeed, experts from multiple fields have tried, to no effect. The late Oliver Sacks addresses Perry and his woeful condition in his last book My Soul Could Do With a Bath: An Abnormal Psychologist’s Work With a More Abnormal Patient. The hat comes free with purchase of that book.

Momtana State Bobcats Deadstock With Tags Made in USA (Link)
Style: Snapback
Time Left: N/A
Cost: US $14.99

Please don’t be alarmed, reader, to learn that this ballcap is available not by means of noted e-commerce site eBay, but rather other, different e-commerce site Etsy. The main distinction between the two: the vendors at Etsy are aware of the demand for some of their products. In any case, that doesn’t render this Montana State cap any less yellow or blue or delighful.

UMass Minutemen Snapback Hat Cap Rare (Link)
Style: Snapback
Time Left: N/A
Cost: US $20.00 (Buy It Now)

Occasionally, the author will attempt to utilize whatever little influence he possesses on social media to “get what he wants.” Recently, the author attempted to do just that with a view to acquiring the cap pictured here. The result? Silence upon other silence.

Western Maryland College Green Terror the Game 90s (Link)
Style: Snapback
Time Left: N/A
Cost: US $19.99

As pictured, this cap is little more than a promotional tool for a regional university. Remove the text at the bottom, however, and then place the altered version of it on the corpse of Comte de Lautréamont, and what one has is a physical embodiment of Terror. “But Carson,” a reader might say. “I lack both the means and inclination to exhume a cadaver from the Cimetière du Nord in Paris, France.” To which I reply: “That’s not actually where Lautréamont is buried, you imbecile. That’s only where his provisional grave was located.”