One Night Only: Games to Watch This Weekend

Regard: your weekend programming, laid out for you absolutely nothing like a patient etherized upon a table.

Friday, April 1st
Boston at Texas, 4:05pm ET
• I can’t verify that Michael Jackson’s hit single “P.Y.T.” was written about Boston signings Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez, but that won’t stop me from listening to it (i.e. that song) right this second.
• In mid-March, Matt Klaassen asked the question, Who’s better, Josh Hamilton or Nelson Cruz? This game will give us a conclusive answer!
• Adrian Beltre is back… and he wants vengeance. (If by “vengeance,” that is, we mean “to post another +10 UZR.”)

Los Angeles (AL) at Kansas City, 8:10pm ET
• This game features, in Dan Haren, a pitcher who was scourged by luck in Arizona (4.60 ERA vs. 3.19 xFIP) before a trade brought him to the O.C., where his numbers were once again very Dan Haren-y.
• This game also features, in Jeff Francis, a pitcher whose signing prompted our own Dave Cameron to praise Dayton Moore. Shocking? Too!
• If we’re lucky, the Very Fleet Peter Bourjos will hit another bunt triple or two.

Saturday, April 2nd
Minnesota at Toronto, 1:07pm ET
• Given his mechanics, it’s possible that Francisco Liriano’s arm will fly entirely off his body someday. Before that terrible thing happens, consider watching him throw his excellent slider past some Blue Jays this afternoon.
• Consider, also, watching Jose Bautista as he deals with the pressure of the Notoriously Harsh Canadian Media.
• Curious as to why Toronto games always begin at :07? It’s because of the conversion from metric time, is why.

Baltimore at Tampa Bay, 7:10pm
• Vladimir Guerrero, Johnny Damon, and Manny Ramirez (a) were probably the best players in 2004 or something and (b) will all play — and probably play decently — in tonight’s game, as well.
• Actually, Johnny Damon maybe won’t play, on account of Brian Matusz, a young and talented lefty, is pitching.
• Question: Is James Shields the Anti-Matt Cain? Career xFIP: 3.77. Career FIP: 4.03. Career ERA: 4.25. Find out conclusively tonight!

Sunday, April 3rd
New York (NL) at Florida, 1:10pm ET
• All praise for the following image should be directed towards reader Trambone of Amazin’ Avenue.

Atlanta at Washington, 1:35pm ET
• In the event that you haven’t realized it, realize it now: Jordan Zimmermann, who’s starting today for Washington, is possibly one of the majors’ best pitchers right now, having posted a 3.49 xFIP so far in 122.1 career innings.
• Much the same could be said of Jason Heyward, except about hitters.
• Team Joy Squad!