Preparing for the Hottest January Stove in Years
This year’s New Year’s Eve party was just way too crowded. A total mess. Chris Davis bumped into me and spilled my drink nearly as soon as I got there. He didn’t even apologize because he hadn’t realized he’d done it, due to the fact that he couldn’t hear anything over the way-too-loud, awful music Justin Upton was DJ’ing. The food ran out way too quick, no thanks to Yoenis Cespedes eating all the bacon-wrapped chicken bites, and I don’t even want to guess what was in that casserole Alex Gordon brought. Yovani Gallardo told me the same story like a dozen times. Doug Fister took it way too far with the noisemakers. Denard Span and Ian Desmond wore the same outfit, Juan Uribe got sick all over Howie Kendrick, and I don’t know who thought it was a good idea to invite Mat Latos and Ian Kennedy to the same party, but of course they got into it over Jessica again. I feel bad for the host, Wei-Yin Chen. He had so much running around to do, I don’t think he ever got a chance to enjoy himself.
The one redeeming quality was that everyone at the party (myself excluded — I don’t know why I was invited) had something in common, in that they were all major league baseball players. Not only that, but when the clock struck midnight and the ball dropped to take us into the new year, every player was still a free agent. It was the most crowded Still a Free Agent New Year’s Party in years.
It felt like it, at least. But was that really the case? There were certainly more people there than Max Scherzer’s dud of a party last year, but how did it compare to the banger Mark Teixeira threw in 2009?
Most of the guests of this year’s party were listed above. But when those guys aren’t all cooped up in Wei-Yin Chen’s apartment for an awkward, crowded New Year’s party, they’re playing baseball. This is where the NYE party metaphor ends, by the way. This is all interesting to us because of baseball, so let’s see what a baseball team made up only of unsigned free agents looks like.

| Pos | Name | WAR | Dollars |
| C | Michael McKenry | 0.5 | 0.5 |
| 1B | Chris Davis | 2.5 | 20 |
| 2B | Howie Kendrick | 2.4 | 13 |
| 3B | Juan Uribe | 1.5 | 8 |
| SS | Ian Desmond | 1.5 | 15 |
| LF | Alex Gordon | 3.5 | 18 |
| CF | Denard Span | 2.1 | 12 |
| RF | Yoenis Cespedes | 3.1 | 22 |
| DH | Justin Upton | 3.0 | 20 |
| SP | Wei-Yin Chen | 2.7 | 13 |
| SP | Yovani Gallardo | 1.7 | 14 |
| SP | Ian Kennedy | 2.2 | 12 |
| SP | Mat Latos | 1.8 | 11 |
| SP | Doug Fister | 1.4 | 10 |
| RP | Tommy Hunter | 0.2 | 5 |
| RP | Joe Blanton | 0.9 | 4 |
| RP | Fernando Rodney | 0.5 | 1 |
| 31.5 | 198.5 |
Dollars: Crowdsourced AAV (estimates used for McKenry, Rodney)
In the interest of brevity, I stopped short of a full bullpen or bench, because this is good enough. But, look! You can still field a whole team! It’s not the greatest rotation in the world — Chen isn’t the ace of any realistic playoff contender — but it’s five major league-caliber starters who are all either likely or have a chance to be an above-average starter next year. The bullpen could use some work, but look at that lineup. The outfield is killer, and that’s with Dexter Fowler coming off the bench. Gordon-Upton-Cespedes-Davis at the top’s gonna score you some runs.
