Unannounced Carson Cistulli Awful Chat – 4/16/18

Carson Cistulli: Hello. Dan Szymborski is indisposed today. I will be your substitute for this “chat.” Will begin in earnest approximately 15 minutes from now.

Carson Cistulli: Okay. I will now begin in earnest.

Ben: Why are you doing this?

Carson Cistulli: To make some use of myself.

Claude: Venez vous à Montreal cet été?

Carson Cistulli: I am. I can not speak to the city as a whole. That said, the quarter in which I have typically stayed — just southeast, I guess, of the Little Italy — is one of the most perfect neighborhoods I’ve ever visited.

bbmoney: Carson, it’s only 40 PAs and it’s his first taste of AA.  So I probably shouldn’t be worried, but I am worried about Zack Short’s K rate thus far.  Should I actually be worried already?  Or should I write off my worries, as the worries of a chronic worrier?

Bored Employee: One of Zack Short’s primary selling points was that he was able to avoid striking out. That’s not been the case thus far this year. Are you concerned?

DTH: Zack Short 42.5% k rate…the Fringe Five gods are testing our faith…

Carson Cistulli: A number of readers are concerned about Zack Short. I’m in no position to allay concerns — about Zack Short or anything else. Life is defined, if nothing else, by an unceasing barrage of concerns. Fortunately, it is also meaningless!

asabin: What do you regard as your own best poem?

Carson Cistulli: Whatever words appear on my epitaph.

Nelson: Is Kluber the Fringe 5er that you liked the most before he graduated off the list? Any other recent fringes fivers you have been more enamored with than the others?

Carson Cistulli: While I would very much *like* to lay claim to having “called” Corey Kluber, my infatuation with him began only after he’d been promoted to the major leagues.

Carson Cistulli: As for any other favorites… well, it’s all sort of fleeting, isn’t it? Currently, Short is probably the player I’d say is most talented relative to his pedigree.

Carson Cistulli: Cardinals RHP Ryan Helsley, from last year, is also quite promising.

Bored Employee: It seems the podcast frequency has dipped somewhat. Any chance that picks back up?

Carson Cistulli: It has, and it’s all Dave Cameron’s fault.

Carson Cistulli: Starting the first week of May, however, we will return to two episodes a week.

Meg Rowley fanclub: Why isn’t Meg on every single Fangraphs podcast for every episode?  Whyyyyyyyyyyyy??????

Carson Cistulli: Because Meg is a person with decency and taste.

Professor Zazzle Grass: What libations should I have while I enjoy this chat?

Carson Cistulli: This chat isn’t designed to be enjoyed, bur rather *endured.*

Carson Cistulli: That said, I will suggest the Petite Sirah from Crane Lake. Only $4.49 per bottle.

blooper: any good cioran aphorisms for a braves fan who suffered through saturday’s “pitching” by the team’s “bullpen?”

Carson Cistulli: “Only one thing matters: learning to be the loser.”

(From The Trouble with Being Born)

Business word user: Carson, what is fangraphs doing to increase strategic dynamism?

Carson Cistulli: We’re delivering the firm.

Clark: Do you think we could convince a real life judge to issue a subpoena summoning Dayn Perry to appear on a new episode of Fangraphs Audio. Imagine the hot anti-judge takes!!!

Carson Cistulli: I will ask Sheryl Ring if there’s a way.

Al: If all current and past Fangraphs employees were to play a slow pitch softball game, who would most closely capture the joie de vivre of Bartolo Colon?

Klubot3000: I’m interested in your perspective on the enigma that is Bartolo Colon. Fascinating as a player, but problematic off the field. How does one balance the wonder of incessantly repeated 88mph fastballs dominating the best lineup in baseball with his many off-the-field flaws?

Carson Cistulli: I’ll answer the first question, at least…

Carson Cistulli: Most FanGraphs writers lack the necessary physical strength even to get a batted ball to the outfield.

Carson Cistulli: That said, I’d like to watch Travis Sawchik play softball. He possesses a quiet enthusiasm for the world that I respect.

Dominik: Have you talked or texted with Cameron after his departure? And when is he quitting in San Diego and coming back to fangraphs? January 2020, over or under?

Carson Cistulli: I have texted a little, but mostly to ask about his family. He occasionally writes to note ways in which I’m doing my job incorrectly.

Billy Beane: Carson, first time caller, long time listener, do you think this chat will be more disappointing or more underwhelming? I’ll take my answer off air.

Carson Cistulli: I mean, I’m efforting to hit maximum levels of both.

Mister V: What’s the best place to eat in or near Portland, Maine?

Carson Cistulli: I make no claims to the merit of my suggestions. That said, I’ve enjoyed myself before at the Portland Hunt & Alpine Club.

Carson Cistulli: In the Midcoast region, Five Islands Lobster Co. is excellent and less busy than it could be.

Dominik: Max schrock is coming! Batting 380 for the cards in AAA. Granted it is 4% walks (-

Colin: How much longer does Kolten Wong need to struggle until you advocate Max Schrock as the Cardinals everyday second baseman?

Billy Beane: Carson, do you think that Max Schrock will be a perennial MVP candidate? Or will he have more of  a single year of greatness surrounded by several years of only goodness?

Carson Cistulli: I both highly doubt and also firmly believe that Max Schrock will be an MVP. I think nothing good ever happens but also that the world is shrouded in delicate beauty.

Billy Beane: When considering Stoic philosophy, how do you like to think about Marcus Aurelius? He is not so much a philosopher himself, but more of a common language practitioner and is almost certainly the author of the most popular work of (arguably) Stoicism.

Carson Cistulli: Marcus Aurelius’s actual writing doesn’t necessarily resonate with me, personally. I find that his conception of virtue requires too much denial of personal comfort, and I very much like personal comfort.

Carson Cistulli: That said, I think it’s the product of a very fruitful practice — essentially of writing to oneself — that would benefit anyone.

Brian: Compare and contrast the following statemets: Don’t hate me ’cause I’m beautiful, vs:

Carson Cistulli: Don’t hate me because I ruined your adult bris.

Nathan: What did you like most about your trip to Toronto?

Carson Cistulli: Ben Nicholson-Smith barenuckle fighting a stranger.

Jaack: I was having a pretty good day. Thanks for ruining it with this awful chat that I chose to click on.

Matthew: What are the most important things you look at when evaluating a new or unfamiliar player?

Carson Cistulli: For minor leaguers — and I guess I mostly mean high minor leaguers — it’s certainly strikeout rate. Both for hitters and pitchers. For hitters, in particularly, the ability to combine that with at least some kind of power on contact, it’s a great predictive measure of future success.

CamdenWarehouse: How are the Disappointments doing?

Carson Cistulli: Just beginning Season 47. On the rise!

Shawn: Will we see you take part in more Pitch Talks events? Thought you did a great job in Toronto.

Carson Cistulli: I appreciate that Shawn. I will participate to the degree that Kevin Kennedy allows.

Bored Employee: Gallia est omnis divisa in partes tres.

Carson Cistulli: I believe that “Gallia *fuit* omnis divisa in partes tres” is more correct at this point.

The Hamburglar: What’s currently lower, the Reds playoff chances or Cistulli’s self esteem?

Carson Cistulli: I possess no self-esteem. At my best, I evacuate myself of all sense of self entirely.

Big Tex: Give me some Willie Calhoun, this Rangers team is brutal to watch

Carson Cistulli: The Rangers have some weird, interesting, post-prospect talent. Nomar Mazara and Jurickson Profar, right? Ronald Guzman?

Carson Cistulli: Maybe?

Guest: Need more Dayn Perry Podcasts!!

Carson Cistulli: I agree. Please direct all, very urgent concerns to:

Carson Cistulli: https://twitter.com/daynperry

Carson Cistulli: Please. Please do it now.

Thomas: You get a new mic? Sounding nice and crisp the past few months….

Carson Cistulli: I’ve actually started exporting at a fire-hot 64 kbps.

Carson Cistulli: Also, Dylan Higgins has been doing production recently. He’s very helpful.

Sean: What are your favorite early-season performances so far?

Carson Cistulli: All the guys are going a good job. Just look at them, out there, doing it. A good job.

Joel: I would like to *endure* a Dayn Perry power hour.

David: what’s a good middle name for a baby?

Carson Cistulli: Tremendous

CamdenWarehouse: When do you expect the NERD game scores to start up?  I don’t know which games to watch

Carson Cistulli: I appreciate your interest. I actually can’t guarantee that they *will* appear. My role has changed a bit — again, this is totally Dave Cameron’s fault — so the capacity to write as much has been compromised.

Moltar: How great of a factor was Jay Jaffe’s moustache in the decision to hire him?

Carson Cistulli: Jaffe’s moustache reveals what we have all already suspected: that Jay Jaffe is a “sly boots.”

Guest: Did you make a spring training trip to visit your grandfather this year? My apologies if that’s prying… I enjoyed the podcasts you did with him because they reminded me of my own visits to my departed grandparents. So that series was very enjoyable.

Carson Cistulli: That’s not prying, no, and I appreciate the sentiment. Unfortunately, we were unable to visit this year because of the very demanding child we recently produced.

Tom: At what point in the season can we no longer claim SSS?

Carson Cistulli: Depends on the metric. Fastball velocity? It’s like five pitches. A happy life? According to Solon, one can’t claim to have had one until he’s dead.

Post Malone: You’re actually answering questions instead of thumbing your nose at the commenters so this is already an improvement over Dan

Carson Cistulli: To be fair to Dan, both his thumb and his nose are gigantic. When he’s typing, it’s basically impossible for him not to thumb his nose.

Guest: Any truth to the rumors flying around the world wide web that your wife has volunteered you for the next mars isolation project?

Carson Cistulli: I don’t know. In the meantime, however, she’s done a sufficient job of confining me to isolation on earth.

Rated Rookie: Why do you use the passive voice and subordinate phrases so frequently in your writing?

Carson Cistulli: I attempt always to preserve a level of formality so that I’m not compelled to reveal actual parts of my own self and feelings.

Anon: How does one reconcile the urge to build a life and seek stability with the urge to resist confinement and monotony? Also, can Chapman keep this up?

Carson Cistulli: At a certain age, the prospect of monotony becomes *very* appealing, as long as naps can be integrated into the day with some consistency.

Bosshog On Candy: Do you ever imbibe in the delicious beer fare of Maine and surrounding states i.e. Bissell, Austin Street, Foundation, or do you stick to wine like a lily-livered quisling?

Carson Cistulli: #Quisling4eva

The Hamburglar: Based on the question and answers, I see we’re very much in a Carson Cistulli chat

Carson Cistulli: All too much.

Jeff: I don’t really have a question, I just wanted to give a shout out to the Corey Kluber society. That’s still one of my favorite things ya’ll have ever done on this site

Carson Cistulli: I was merely a facilitator of that. Kluber provided all raw material.

Biscuit: Carson how do you identify potential “Fringe 5” players? Do you have a database that subtracts those ineligible, and then sort by a few preferred statistics?  Or is it more to do with being omniscient?  I assumed the latter but…

Carson Cistulli: I have a file on my desktop titled Fringe Machine. It contains many proprietary algorithms.

William: Sheryl Ring’s article re: Mejia is well-crafted. Detailed, uses strong language when required, and enjoyable legalese. Bravo.

Carson Cistulli: Sheryl has extracted more content from the legal side of the game than I anticipated was possible.

Bosshog On Candy: Today is Tax Day, Cistulli. Have you properly allotted your peasant wages?

Carson Cistulli: Wrong! Wednesday is Tax Day.

Carson Cistulli: Today is Patriots’ Day!

Guest: Denial of personal comfort?  Don’t get stuck on the process with Marcus Aurelius – the idea that we should first understand the nature of the people/world around us and then use that understanding to inform our approach to life is powerful, particularly in a world right now where so many people are unhappy for the basic reason that they refuse (sometimes on principle) to refine their expectations via an acceptance of reality.

Carson Cistulli: Yes! I agree!

Gallia erat omnis divisa: The imperfect seems better in this context.

Unlce Rico: This chat is truly awful.  Well done.

Foyle: Where does Dayn Perry store his lumber?

Carson Cistulli: In his cubby hole.

The Hamburglar: You’re not going to be the next one to leave us, are you Cistulli?

Carson Cistulli: Who else would have me?

Carson Cistulli: …

Carson Cistulli: Okay. I have fulfilled my obligation to this chat. I appreciate your tolerance. Dan Szymborski will return next week.