Unannounced Carson Cistulli Awful Chat – 4/16/18 by Carson Cistulli April 16, 2018 1:48 Carson Cistulli: Hello. Dan Szymborski is indisposed today. I will be your substitute for this “chat.” Will begin in earnest approximately 15 minutes from now. 2:00 Carson Cistulli: Okay. I will now begin in earnest. 2:01 Ben: Why are you doing this? 2:01 Carson Cistulli: To make some use of myself. 2:02 Claude: Venez vous à Montreal cet été? 2:02 Carson Cistulli: I am. I can not speak to the city as a whole. That said, the quarter in which I have typically stayed — just southeast, I guess, of the Little Italy — is one of the most perfect neighborhoods I’ve ever visited. 2:03 bbmoney: Carson, it’s only 40 PAs and it’s his first taste of AA. So I probably shouldn’t be worried, but I am worried about Zack Short’s K rate thus far. Should I actually be worried already? Or should I write off my worries, as the worries of a chronic worrier? 2:03 Bored Employee: One of Zack Short’s primary selling points was that he was able to avoid striking out. That’s not been the case thus far this year. Are you concerned? 2:03 DTH: Zack Short 42.5% k rate…the Fringe Five gods are testing our faith… 2:04 Carson Cistulli: A number of readers are concerned about Zack Short. I’m in no position to allay concerns — about Zack Short or anything else. Life is defined, if nothing else, by an unceasing barrage of concerns. Fortunately, it is also meaningless! 2:04 asabin: What do you regard as your own best poem? 2:04 Carson Cistulli: Whatever words appear on my epitaph. 2:05 Nelson: Is Kluber the Fringe 5er that you liked the most before he graduated off the list? Any other recent fringes fivers you have been more enamored with than the others? 2:06 Carson Cistulli: While I would very much *like* to lay claim to having “called” Corey Kluber, my infatuation with him began only after he’d been promoted to the major leagues. 2:08 Carson Cistulli: As for any other favorites… well, it’s all sort of fleeting, isn’t it? Currently, Short is probably the player I’d say is most talented relative to his pedigree. 2:08 Carson Cistulli: Cardinals RHP Ryan Helsley, from last year, is also quite promising. 2:08 Bored Employee: It seems the podcast frequency has dipped somewhat. Any chance that picks back up? 2:09 Carson Cistulli: It has, and it’s all Dave Cameron’s fault. 2:09 Carson Cistulli: Starting the first week of May, however, we will return to two episodes a week. 2:09 Meg Rowley fanclub: Why isn’t Meg on every single Fangraphs podcast for every episode? Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?????? 2:10 Carson Cistulli: Because Meg is a person with decency and taste. 2:10 Professor Zazzle Grass: What libations should I have while I enjoy this chat? 2:10 Carson Cistulli: This chat isn’t designed to be enjoyed, bur rather *endured.* 2:11 Carson Cistulli: That said, I will suggest the Petite Sirah from Crane Lake. Only $4.49 per bottle. 2:14 blooper: any good cioran aphorisms for a braves fan who suffered through saturday’s “pitching” by the team’s “bullpen?” 2:14 Carson Cistulli: “Only one thing matters: learning to be the loser.” (From The Trouble with Being Born) 2:14 Business word user: Carson, what is fangraphs doing to increase strategic dynamism? 2:15 Carson Cistulli: We’re delivering the firm. 2:15 Clark: Do you think we could convince a real life judge to issue a subpoena summoning Dayn Perry to appear on a new episode of Fangraphs Audio. Imagine the hot anti-judge takes!!! 2:16 Carson Cistulli: I will ask Sheryl Ring if there’s a way. 2:17 Al: If all current and past Fangraphs employees were to play a slow pitch softball game, who would most closely capture the joie de vivre of Bartolo Colon? 2:19 Klubot3000: I’m interested in your perspective on the enigma that is Bartolo Colon. Fascinating as a player, but problematic off the field. How does one balance the wonder of incessantly repeated 88mph fastballs dominating the best lineup in baseball with his many off-the-field flaws? 2:19 Carson Cistulli: I’ll answer the first question, at least… 2:20 Carson Cistulli: Most FanGraphs writers lack the necessary physical strength even to get a batted ball to the outfield. 2:20 Carson Cistulli: That said, I’d like to watch Travis Sawchik play softball. He possesses a quiet enthusiasm for the world that I respect. 2:20 Dominik: Have you talked or texted with Cameron after his departure? And when is he quitting in San Diego and coming back to fangraphs? January 2020, over or under? 2:21 Carson Cistulli: I have texted a little, but mostly to ask about his family. He occasionally writes to note ways in which I’m doing my job incorrectly. 2:22 Billy Beane: Carson, first time caller, long time listener, do you think this chat will be more disappointing or more underwhelming? I’ll take my answer off air. 2:22 Carson Cistulli: I mean, I’m efforting to hit maximum levels of both. 2:22 Mister V: What’s the best place to eat in or near Portland, Maine? 2:24 Carson Cistulli: I make no claims to the merit of my suggestions. That said, I’ve enjoyed myself before at the Portland Hunt & Alpine Club. 2:24 Carson Cistulli: In the Midcoast region, Five Islands Lobster Co. is excellent and less busy than it could be. 2:24 Dominik: Max schrock is coming! Batting 380 for the cards in AAA. Granted it is 4% walks (- 2:24 Colin: How much longer does Kolten Wong need to struggle until you advocate Max Schrock as the Cardinals everyday second baseman? 2:25 Billy Beane: Carson, do you think that Max Schrock will be a perennial MVP candidate? Or will he have more of a single year of greatness surrounded by several years of only goodness? 2:26 Carson Cistulli: I both highly doubt and also firmly believe that Max Schrock will be an MVP. I think nothing good ever happens but also that the world is shrouded in delicate beauty. 2:27 Billy Beane: When considering Stoic philosophy, how do you like to think about Marcus Aurelius? He is not so much a philosopher himself, but more of a common language practitioner and is almost certainly the author of the most popular work of (arguably) Stoicism. 2:29 Carson Cistulli: Marcus Aurelius’s actual writing doesn’t necessarily resonate with me, personally. I find that his conception of virtue requires too much denial of personal comfort, and I very much like personal comfort. 2:29 Carson Cistulli: That said, I think it’s the product of a very fruitful practice — essentially of writing to oneself — that would benefit anyone. 2:30 Brian: Compare and contrast the following statemets: Don’t hate me ’cause I’m beautiful, vs: 2:32 Carson Cistulli: Don’t hate me because I ruined your adult bris. 2:32 Nathan: What did you like most about your trip to Toronto? 2:33 Carson Cistulli: Ben Nicholson-Smith barenuckle fighting a stranger. 2:34 Jaack: I was having a pretty good day. Thanks for ruining it with this awful chat that I chose to click on. 2:35 Matthew: What are the most important things you look at when evaluating a new or unfamiliar player? 2:37 Carson Cistulli: For minor leaguers — and I guess I mostly mean high minor leaguers — it’s certainly strikeout rate. Both for hitters and pitchers. For hitters, in particularly, the ability to combine that with at least some kind of power on contact, it’s a great predictive measure of future success. 2:37 CamdenWarehouse: How are the Disappointments doing? 2:37 Carson Cistulli: Just beginning Season 47. On the rise! 2:37 Shawn: Will we see you take part in more Pitch Talks events? Thought you did a great job in Toronto. 2:38 Carson Cistulli: I appreciate that Shawn. I will participate to the degree that Kevin Kennedy allows. 2:38 Bored Employee: Gallia est omnis divisa in partes tres. 2:39 Carson Cistulli: I believe that “Gallia *fuit* omnis divisa in partes tres” is more correct at this point. 2:39 The Hamburglar: What’s currently lower, the Reds playoff chances or Cistulli’s self esteem? 2:40 Carson Cistulli: I possess no self-esteem. At my best, I evacuate myself of all sense of self entirely. 2:40 Big Tex: Give me some Willie Calhoun, this Rangers team is brutal to watch 2:41 Carson Cistulli: The Rangers have some weird, interesting, post-prospect talent. Nomar Mazara and Jurickson Profar, right? Ronald Guzman? 2:41 Carson Cistulli: Maybe? 2:42 Guest: Need more Dayn Perry Podcasts!! 2:42 Carson Cistulli: I agree. Please direct all, very urgent concerns to: 2:43 Carson Cistulli: https://twitter.com/daynperry 2:44 Carson Cistulli: Please. Please do it now. 2:44 Thomas: You get a new mic? Sounding nice and crisp the past few months…. 2:44 Carson Cistulli: I’ve actually started exporting at a fire-hot 64 kbps. 2:44 Carson Cistulli: Also, Dylan Higgins has been doing production recently. He’s very helpful. 2:44 Sean: What are your favorite early-season performances so far? 2:45 Carson Cistulli: All the guys are going a good job. Just look at them, out there, doing it. A good job. 2:45 Joel: I would like to *endure* a Dayn Perry power hour. 2:46 David: what’s a good middle name for a baby? 2:46 Carson Cistulli: Tremendous 2:46 CamdenWarehouse: When do you expect the NERD game scores to start up? I don’t know which games to watch 2:48 Carson Cistulli: I appreciate your interest. I actually can’t guarantee that they *will* appear. My role has changed a bit — again, this is totally Dave Cameron’s fault — so the capacity to write as much has been compromised. 2:48 Moltar: How great of a factor was Jay Jaffe’s moustache in the decision to hire him? 2:50 Carson Cistulli: Jaffe’s moustache reveals what we have all already suspected: that Jay Jaffe is a “sly boots.” 2:50 Guest: Did you make a spring training trip to visit your grandfather this year? My apologies if that’s prying… I enjoyed the podcasts you did with him because they reminded me of my own visits to my departed grandparents. So that series was very enjoyable. 2:51 Carson Cistulli: That’s not prying, no, and I appreciate the sentiment. Unfortunately, we were unable to visit this year because of the very demanding child we recently produced. 2:52 Tom: At what point in the season can we no longer claim SSS? 2:53 Carson Cistulli: Depends on the metric. Fastball velocity? It’s like five pitches. A happy life? According to Solon, one can’t claim to have had one until he’s dead. 2:53 Post Malone: You’re actually answering questions instead of thumbing your nose at the commenters so this is already an improvement over Dan 2:54 Carson Cistulli: To be fair to Dan, both his thumb and his nose are gigantic. When he’s typing, it’s basically impossible for him not to thumb his nose. 2:54 Guest: Any truth to the rumors flying around the world wide web that your wife has volunteered you for the next mars isolation project? 2:55 Carson Cistulli: I don’t know. In the meantime, however, she’s done a sufficient job of confining me to isolation on earth. 2:55 Rated Rookie: Why do you use the passive voice and subordinate phrases so frequently in your writing? 2:55 Carson Cistulli: I attempt always to preserve a level of formality so that I’m not compelled to reveal actual parts of my own self and feelings. 2:56 Anon: How does one reconcile the urge to build a life and seek stability with the urge to resist confinement and monotony? Also, can Chapman keep this up? 2:56 Carson Cistulli: At a certain age, the prospect of monotony becomes *very* appealing, as long as naps can be integrated into the day with some consistency. 2:57 Bosshog On Candy: Do you ever imbibe in the delicious beer fare of Maine and surrounding states i.e. Bissell, Austin Street, Foundation, or do you stick to wine like a lily-livered quisling? 2:57 Carson Cistulli: #Quisling4eva 2:57 The Hamburglar: Based on the question and answers, I see we’re very much in a Carson Cistulli chat 2:57 Carson Cistulli: All too much. 2:57 Jeff: I don’t really have a question, I just wanted to give a shout out to the Corey Kluber society. That’s still one of my favorite things ya’ll have ever done on this site 2:58 Carson Cistulli: I was merely a facilitator of that. Kluber provided all raw material. 2:59 Biscuit: Carson how do you identify potential “Fringe 5” players? Do you have a database that subtracts those ineligible, and then sort by a few preferred statistics? Or is it more to do with being omniscient? I assumed the latter but… 2:59 Carson Cistulli: I have a file on my desktop titled Fringe Machine. It contains many proprietary algorithms. 2:59 William: Sheryl Ring’s article re: Mejia is well-crafted. Detailed, uses strong language when required, and enjoyable legalese. Bravo. 3:00 Carson Cistulli: Sheryl has extracted more content from the legal side of the game than I anticipated was possible. 3:00 Bosshog On Candy: Today is Tax Day, Cistulli. Have you properly allotted your peasant wages? 3:00 Carson Cistulli: Wrong! Wednesday is Tax Day. 3:01 Carson Cistulli: Today is Patriots’ Day! 3:01 Guest: Denial of personal comfort? Don’t get stuck on the process with Marcus Aurelius – the idea that we should first understand the nature of the people/world around us and then use that understanding to inform our approach to life is powerful, particularly in a world right now where so many people are unhappy for the basic reason that they refuse (sometimes on principle) to refine their expectations via an acceptance of reality. 3:01 Carson Cistulli: Yes! I agree! 3:01 Gallia erat omnis divisa: The imperfect seems better in this context. 3:01 Unlce Rico: This chat is truly awful. Well done. 3:02 Foyle: Where does Dayn Perry store his lumber? 3:02 Carson Cistulli: In his cubby hole. 3:02 The Hamburglar: You’re not going to be the next one to leave us, are you Cistulli? 3:02 Carson Cistulli: Who else would have me? 3:02 Carson Cistulli: … 3:03 Carson Cistulli: Okay. I have fulfilled my obligation to this chat. I appreciate your tolerance. Dan Szymborski will return next week.