Unannounced Carson Cistulli Awful Chat – 4/16/18

April 16, 2018

1:48	Carson Cistulli: Hello. Dan Szymborski is indisposed today. I will be your substitute for this “chat.” Will begin in earnest approximately 15 minutes from now.

2:00	Carson Cistulli: Okay. I will now begin in earnest.

2:01	Ben: Why are you doing this?

2:01	Carson Cistulli: To make some use of myself.

2:02	Claude: Venez vous à Montreal cet été?

2:02	Carson Cistulli: I am. I can not speak to the city as a whole. That said, the quarter in which I have typically stayed — just southeast, I guess, of the Little Italy — is one of the most perfect neighborhoods I’ve ever visited.

2:03	bbmoney: Carson, it’s only 40 PAs and it’s his first taste of AA. So I probably shouldn’t be worried, but I am worried about Zack Short’s K rate thus far. Should I actually be worried already? Or should I write off my worries, as the worries of a chronic worrier?

2:03	Bored Employee: One of Zack Short’s primary selling points was that he was able to avoid striking out. That’s not been the case thus far this year. Are you concerned?

2:03	DTH: Zack Short 42.5% k rate…the Fringe Five gods are testing our faith…

2:04	Carson Cistulli: A number of readers are concerned about Zack Short. I’m in no position to allay concerns — about Zack Short or anything else. Life is defined, if nothing else, by an unceasing barrage of concerns. Fortunately, it is also meaningless!

2:04	asabin: What do you regard as your own best poem?

2:04	Carson Cistulli: Whatever words appear on my epitaph.

2:05	Nelson: Is Kluber the Fringe 5er that you liked the most before he graduated off the list? Any other recent fringes fivers you have been more enamored with than the others?

2:06	Carson Cistulli: While I would very much like to lay claim to having “called” Corey Kluber, my infatuation with him began only after he’d been promoted to the major leagues.

2:08	Carson Cistulli: As for any other favorites… well, it’s all sort of fleeting, isn’t it? Currently, Short is probably the player I’d say is most talented relative to his pedigree.

2:08	Carson Cistulli: Cardinals RHP Ryan Helsley, from last year, is also quite promising.

2:08	Bored Employee: It seems the podcast frequency has dipped somewhat. Any chance that picks back up?

2:09	Carson Cistulli: It has, and it’s all Dave Cameron’s fault.

2:09	Carson Cistulli: Starting the first week of May, however, we will return to two episodes a week.

2:09	Meg Rowley fanclub: Why isn’t Meg on every single Fangraphs podcast for every episode? Whyyyyyyyyyyyy??????

2:10	Carson Cistulli: Because Meg is a person with decency and taste.

2:10	Professor Zazzle Grass: What libations should I have while I enjoy this chat?

2:10	Carson Cistulli: This chat isn’t designed to be enjoyed, bur rather endured.

2:11	Carson Cistulli: That said, I will suggest the Petite Sirah from Crane Lake. Only $4.49 per bottle.

2:14	blooper: any good cioran aphorisms for a braves fan who suffered through saturday’s “pitching” by the team’s “bullpen?”

2:14	Carson Cistulli: “Only one thing matters: learning to be the loser.” (From The Trouble with Being Born)

2:14	Business word user: Carson, what is fangraphs doing to increase strategic dynamism?

2:15	Carson Cistulli: We’re delivering the firm.

2:15	Clark: Do you think we could convince a real life judge to issue a subpoena summoning Dayn Perry to appear on a new episode of Fangraphs Audio. Imagine the hot anti-judge takes!!!

2:16	Carson Cistulli: I will ask Sheryl Ring if there’s a way.

2:17	Al: If all current and past Fangraphs employees were to play a slow pitch softball game, who would most closely capture the joie de vivre of Bartolo Colon?

2:19	Klubot3000: I’m interested in your perspective on the enigma that is Bartolo Colon. Fascinating as a player, but problematic off the field. How does one balance the wonder of incessantly repeated 88mph fastballs dominating the best lineup in baseball with his many off-the-field flaws?

2:19	Carson Cistulli: I’ll answer the first question, at least…

2:20	Carson Cistulli: Most FanGraphs writers lack the necessary physical strength even to get a batted ball to the outfield.

2:20	Carson Cistulli: That said, I’d like to watch Travis Sawchik play softball. He possesses a quiet enthusiasm for the world that I respect.

2:20	Dominik: Have you talked or texted with Cameron after his departure? And when is he quitting in San Diego and coming back to fangraphs? January 2020, over or under?

2:21	Carson Cistulli: I have texted a little, but mostly to ask about his family. He occasionally writes to note ways in which I’m doing my job incorrectly.

2:22	Billy Beane: Carson, first time caller, long time listener, do you think this chat will be more disappointing or more underwhelming? I’ll take my answer off air.

2:22	Carson Cistulli: I mean, I’m efforting to hit maximum levels of both.

2:22	Mister V: What’s the best place to eat in or near Portland, Maine?

2:24	Carson Cistulli: I make no claims to the merit of my suggestions. That said, I’ve enjoyed myself before at the Portland Hunt & Alpine Club.

2:24	Carson Cistulli: In the Midcoast region, Five Islands Lobster Co. is excellent and less busy than it could be.

2:24	Dominik: Max schrock is coming! Batting 380 for the cards in AAA. Granted it is 4% walks (-

2:24	Colin: How much longer does Kolten Wong need to struggle until you advocate Max Schrock as the Cardinals everyday second baseman?

2:25	Billy Beane: Carson, do you think that Max Schrock will be a perennial MVP candidate? Or will he have more of a single year of greatness surrounded by several years of only goodness?

2:26	Carson Cistulli: I both highly doubt and also firmly believe that Max Schrock will be an MVP. I think nothing good ever happens but also that the world is shrouded in delicate beauty.

2:27	Billy Beane: When considering Stoic philosophy, how do you like to think about Marcus Aurelius? He is not so much a philosopher himself, but more of a common language practitioner and is almost certainly the author of the most popular work of (arguably) Stoicism.

2:29	Carson Cistulli: Marcus Aurelius’s actual writing doesn’t necessarily resonate with me, personally. I find that his conception of virtue requires too much denial of personal comfort, and I very much like personal comfort.

2:29	Carson Cistulli: That said, I think it’s the product of a very fruitful practice — essentially of writing to oneself — that would benefit anyone.

2:30	Brian: Compare and contrast the following statemets: Don’t hate me ’cause I’m beautiful, vs:

2:32	Carson Cistulli: Don’t hate me because I ruined your adult bris.

2:32	Nathan: What did you like most about your trip to Toronto?

2:33	Carson Cistulli: Ben Nicholson-Smith barenuckle fighting a stranger.

2:34	Jaack: I was having a pretty good day. Thanks for ruining it with this awful chat that I chose to click on.

2:35	Matthew: What are the most important things you look at when evaluating a new or unfamiliar player?

2:37

Carson Cistulli: For minor leaguers — and I guess I mostly mean high minor leaguers — it’s certainly strikeout rate. Both for hitters and pitchers. For hitters, in particularly, the ability to combine that with at least some kind of power on contact, it’s a great predictive measure of future success.

2:37	CamdenWarehouse: How are the Disappointments doing?

2:37	Carson Cistulli: Just beginning Season 47. On the rise!

2:37	Shawn: Will we see you take part in more Pitch Talks events? Thought you did a great job in Toronto.

2:38	Carson Cistulli: I appreciate that Shawn. I will participate to the degree that Kevin Kennedy allows.

2:38	Bored Employee: Gallia est omnis divisa in partes tres.

2:39	Carson Cistulli: I believe that “Gallia fuit omnis divisa in partes tres” is more correct at this point.

2:39	The Hamburglar: What’s currently lower, the Reds playoff chances or Cistulli’s self esteem?

2:40	Carson Cistulli: I possess no self-esteem. At my best, I evacuate myself of all sense of self entirely.

2:40	Big Tex: Give me some Willie Calhoun, this Rangers team is brutal to watch

2:41	Carson Cistulli: The Rangers have some weird, interesting, post-prospect talent. Nomar Mazara and Jurickson Profar, right? Ronald Guzman?

2:41	Carson Cistulli: Maybe?

2:42	Guest: Need more Dayn Perry Podcasts!!

2:42	Carson Cistulli: I agree. Please direct all, very urgent concerns to:

2:43	Carson Cistulli: https://twitter.com/daynperry

2:44	Carson Cistulli: Please. Please do it now.

2:44	Thomas: You get a new mic? Sounding nice and crisp the past few months….

2:44	Carson Cistulli: I’ve actually started exporting at a fire-hot 64 kbps.

2:44	Carson Cistulli: Also, Dylan Higgins has been doing production recently. He’s very helpful.

2:44	Sean: What are your favorite early-season performances so far?

2:45	Carson Cistulli: All the guys are going a good job. Just look at them, out there, doing it. A good job.

2:45	Joel: I would like to endure a Dayn Perry power hour.

2:46	David: what’s a good middle name for a baby?

2:46	Carson Cistulli: Tremendous

2:46	CamdenWarehouse: When do you expect the NERD game scores to start up? I don’t know which games to watch

2:48	Carson Cistulli: I appreciate your interest. I actually can’t guarantee that they will appear. My role has changed a bit — again, this is totally Dave Cameron’s fault — so the capacity to write as much has been compromised.

2:48	Moltar: How great of a factor was Jay Jaffe’s moustache in the decision to hire him?

2:50	Carson Cistulli: Jaffe’s moustache reveals what we have all already suspected: that Jay Jaffe is a “sly boots.”

2:50	Guest: Did you make a spring training trip to visit your grandfather this year? My apologies if that’s prying… I enjoyed the podcasts you did with him because they reminded me of my own visits to my departed grandparents. So that series was very enjoyable.

2:51	Carson Cistulli: That’s not prying, no, and I appreciate the sentiment. Unfortunately, we were unable to visit this year because of the very demanding child we recently produced.

2:52	Tom: At what point in the season can we no longer claim SSS?

2:53	Carson Cistulli: Depends on the metric. Fastball velocity? It’s like five pitches. A happy life? According to Solon, one can’t claim to have had one until he’s dead.

2:53	Post Malone: You’re actually answering questions instead of thumbing your nose at the commenters so this is already an improvement over Dan

2:54	Carson Cistulli: To be fair to Dan, both his thumb and his nose are gigantic. When he’s typing, it’s basically impossible for him not to thumb his nose.

2:54	Guest: Any truth to the rumors flying around the world wide web that your wife has volunteered you for the next mars isolation project?

2:55	Carson Cistulli: I don’t know. In the meantime, however, she’s done a sufficient job of confining me to isolation on earth.

2:55	Rated Rookie: Why do you use the passive voice and subordinate phrases so frequently in your writing?

2:55	Carson Cistulli: I attempt always to preserve a level of formality so that I’m not compelled to reveal actual parts of my own self and feelings.

2:56	Anon: How does one reconcile the urge to build a life and seek stability with the urge to resist confinement and monotony? Also, can Chapman keep this up?

2:56	Carson Cistulli: At a certain age, the prospect of monotony becomes very appealing, as long as naps can be integrated into the day with some consistency.

2:57	Bosshog On Candy: Do you ever imbibe in the delicious beer fare of Maine and surrounding states i.e. Bissell, Austin Street, Foundation, or do you stick to wine like a lily-livered quisling?

2:57	Carson Cistulli: #Quisling4eva

2:57	The Hamburglar: Based on the question and answers, I see we’re very much in a Carson Cistulli chat

2:57	Carson Cistulli: All too much.

2:57	Jeff: I don’t really have a question, I just wanted to give a shout out to the Corey Kluber society. That’s still one of my favorite things ya’ll have ever done on this site

2:58	Carson Cistulli: I was merely a facilitator of that. Kluber provided all raw material.

2:59	Biscuit: Carson how do you identify potential “Fringe 5” players? Do you have a database that subtracts those ineligible, and then sort by a few preferred statistics? Or is it more to do with being omniscient? I assumed the latter but…

2:59	Carson Cistulli: I have a file on my desktop titled Fringe Machine. It contains many proprietary algorithms.

2:59	William: Sheryl Ring’s article re: Mejia is well-crafted. Detailed, uses strong language when required, and enjoyable legalese. Bravo.

3:00	Carson Cistulli: Sheryl has extracted more content from the legal side of the game than I anticipated was possible.

3:00	Bosshog On Candy: Today is Tax Day, Cistulli. Have you properly allotted your peasant wages?

3:00	Carson Cistulli: Wrong! Wednesday is Tax Day.

3:01	Carson Cistulli: Today is Patriots’ Day!

3:01

Guest: Denial of personal comfort? Don’t get stuck on the process with Marcus Aurelius – the idea that we should first understand the nature of the people/world around us and then use that understanding to inform our approach to life is powerful, particularly in a world right now where so many people are unhappy for the basic reason that they refuse (sometimes on principle) to refine their expectations via an acceptance of reality.

3:01	Carson Cistulli: Yes! I agree!

3:01	Gallia erat omnis divisa: The imperfect seems better in this context.

3:01	Unlce Rico: This chat is truly awful. Well done.

3:02	Foyle: Where does Dayn Perry store his lumber?

3:02	Carson Cistulli: In his cubby hole.

3:02	The Hamburglar: You’re not going to be the next one to leave us, are you Cistulli?

3:02	Carson Cistulli: Who else would have me?

3:02	Carson Cistulli: …

3:03	Carson Cistulli: Okay. I have fulfilled my obligation to this chat. I appreciate your tolerance. Dan Szymborski will return next week.

BAL	CHW	LAA
BOS	CLE	OAK
NYY	DET	SEA
TBR	KCR	TEX
TOR	MIN	HOU

ATL	CHC*	ARI
MIA	CIN	COL
WSN	MIL	LAD
NYM*	PIT	SDP*
PHI	STL	SFG