FanGraphs+ Player-Profile Game: Question #4

Play the player-profile game every day this week at 1:00pm ET. We’re giving away a free annual subscription to FanGraphs+ to the first reader who guesses correctly the identity of that day’s mystery player. (Limit one copy per customer).

As the absurdly coiffed Eno Sarris announced on Monday, the newest iteration of FanGraphs+ is now available in exchange for your hard-earned money — and any other kind of money, too.

As in recent years, we’re celebrating this important Moment in History by way of the player-profile game.

Said game is easy: the author offers the text of an actual player profile from the newest iteration of FG+, being careful to omit any proper names that might reveal the identity of the player in question. The reader, in turn, attempts to identify the player using only the details provided in the profile.

First reader to guess correctly (in the comments section below) gets a free annual subscription to FanGraphs+, worth roughly the equivalent of Alec Baldwin’s watch in Glengarry Glen Ross.

Today’s entry comes to us by way of 18th century frontiersman Patrick Dubuque and is absolutely the most obscure of the profiles considered this week. (Note: Paul Swydan will provide a clue after 50 wrong, and zero correct, responses.)

Who is it?

Ways in which baseball is not like capitalism: in capitalism, the key to success is to do one thing really well. [BLANK] does one thing quite well, and that is run: he’s averaged forty stolen bases a year over the last three seasons between the majors and minors. But though it looked like [BLANK] had a chance to become a Vince Coleman or a Brian Hunter given the opportunity, he ended up fielding like the former and hitting like the latter. Maybe ten or twenty years ago, those steals might have gotten him a free crack at a job. But in our enlightened age, fourth outfielders who can’t hit or field don’t tend to stay fourth outfielders, and they don’t make their way onto fantasy teams, no matter how many bases they might steal.

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Carson Cistulli has published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.

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Billy Hamilton