It’s become a practice of the present author in recent years to purchase — before FanGraphs’ annual spring pilgrimage to the desert — to purchase a new ballcap in February, with a view towards cultivating within my colleagues a combination of jealously and respect that my actual “work” is incapable of producing.

Last year around this time, I documented the search for such a cap in a progressively more absurd series of posts. The result of that search: the acquisition of a Winston-Salem Spirits cap from 1994 with a weird red sun and melancholy eagle on it.

What follows marks the beginning of this year’s search for a replacement.

To wit:

Chicago Cubs Deadstock 90’s Hat Vintage Snapback (Link)
Style: Snapback
Time Left: N/A
Cost: US $24.74 (Buy It Now)

Owing to calendar reform instituted by Julius Caesar, the year 46 BC actually lasted 446 days, roughly a third longer than the Roman years which preceded it. As someone who lived through 1997, I’m surprised to find now that the opposite phenomenon isn’t true — i.e. that all of 1997 wasn’t somehow truncated for logistical purposes. In any case, the year was long enough to allow for the production of this sad ballcap, awaiting an equally sad owner.

Newport Cigarettes Menthol Promo Black Cap Hat (Link)
Style: Snapback
Time Left: 11 hours, 18 minutes
Cost: US $15.59 (But It Now)

It’s possible sometimes to become so preoccupied with the health benefits of wholesome and nutritious smoking tobacco that one neglects the primary allure of cigarettes — i.e. the pleasure they facilitate. Newport hasn’t forgotten, however. Newport: a brand you can trust at a price teenagers can afford.

OG VTG 80’s Dallas Corduroy TX Trucker cowboys astros (Link)
Style: Corduroy, Snapback
Time Left: 12 days, 6 hours
Cost: US $12.95 (But It Now)

The author can’t confirm, but at least hypothesizes, that this cap served, at one point, as some sort of promotional material in support of the long-running prime-time soap opera Dallas. What I can confirm is that the handwritten typeface featured here is the exact sort with which Larry Hagman signed all of his various pre-nuptial agreements. This hat, in conclusion, is constructed out of corduroy.

Vintage 80s Twins SYRACUSE CHIEFS Mesh Hat E (Link)
Style: Mesh, Snapback
Time Left: N/A
Cost: US $19.99 (Buy It Now)

There’s nothing in the description of this product to expressly suggest that Kelly Gruber once wore it. But there’s just as little to negate the possibility that he did wear it. One knows only that Kelly Gruber is and this hat, just as equally, is. Are the possibilities boundless? Hard to say. Without bound? Certainly.

Vintage Massachusetts Pilgrim Green Hat Snapback (Link)
Style: Corduroy, Snapack
Time Left: 12 days, 8 hours
Cost: US $19.99 (Buy It Now)

Non-natives of the state are often surprised to find that the signs intended (theoretically) to lead a driver in the direction of the Massachusetts Turnpike are roughly the size of standard letter paper and feature no text whatsoever, but merely the image of a buckle hat — one not unlike the sort worn by the cartoon pilgrim depicted here. With regard to this ballcap, specifically, one finds that it’s “very clean” but “hard to snap.”