So Johnny Cueto Thinks He Can Dance
The best part of writing about baseball? First, you get to watch baseball. Then you get to write about it. That’s how it works. The worst part? The worst part is that you can’t watch it all. No way. There’s like — add the two, carry the one — well, I’m no sabermetrician, but there’s like a lot of baseball to watch, way too much for the average human even if that human owns some sort of picture-in-picture-in-picture technology by which to watch, say, the trinitarian terror of Trout and McCutchen and Harper wreak simultaneous havoc.
What is this a long way of saying? This is a long way of saying that until Monday night, I had not personally witnessed (nor even been impersonally aware of) Johnny Cueto’s revolutionary wiggle. Have you seen this thing? The Detroit Tigers sure have. And so have fans of the Royals, at least those lucky enough to have witnessed the dominant shutout — four hits allowed, zero walks given, many wiggles supplied — that the newly acquired Cueto provided in his Kauffmann Stadium debut.
A trip through the archives reveals that Cueto introduced his wiggle-icious windup against the Nationals on July 7, rendering Ian Desmond but a helpless bystander. Watch the scene and realize that Desmond, poor Desmond, has just witnessed the dawn of a new age. Watch it and realize that Desmond just got Cueto’d!
It’s just crazy amounts of awesome, is it not? It’s as if Luis Tiant and Gale Sayers — well, that would be a biologic impossibility — as if Luis Tiant and whoever is the Lingerie League’s most evasive tailback spawned a super-incredible love child who boasts an outstanding four-seamer/changeup combo and who suddenly belongs on So You Think You Can Dance. Cueto thinks he can dance, and does. Taking the Tiantian pause to a delightful extreme, he turns his back to the hitter and promptly stops — so dramatically that you think you hit the pause button — and then shimmies like he’s trying to evade the Lingerie League’s leading tackler. You half expect — no, fully expect! — Cueto to add the terpsichorean equivalent of a triple Salchow, even if, were a runner on base, the umps would be like, “Um… balk?”
For his part, Tigers manager Brad Ausmus thinks the windup is illegal, as if Cueto should be ticketed and forced to attend Defensive Pitching School this weekend. Indeed, after watching the righty go all Dirty Dancing on a ninth-inning whiff of Ian Kinsler, Ausmus told the Associated Press: “Really, the way the rule reads, you’re not supposed to even alter your motion. That’s the way the rule reads.”
Well, boo you, Brad Ausmus!
Remember: We watch baseball. A lot of it. And watching baseball is supposed to be fun. Seriously, does this look like someone who’s busy reading the rulebook?
John Paschal is a regular contributor to The Hardball Times and The Hardball Times Baseball Annual.
“Carson Cistulli (born December 23, 1979) is an American poet, essayist and sabermetrician.” I knew I should have trusted my middle school global studies teacher when she said not to trust Wikipedia!
Alas, I myself do not have a Wikipedia page. But if I did, it would totally include the time I met that girl in Canada during summer vacation.
I accidentally published it under my name, as opposed to Paschal’s. Because I’m a moron, is the most likely cause for that error.
Brad Ausmus is a nerd. There should be an embargo on Dartmouth-educated folks participating in the MLB.
Do you have any comment about the article’s content?
Umpires ought to be equipped with cards to hold up so that they can give an “artistic impression” score, in addition to a ball/strike call.
The game call on a Cueto-Beltre confrontation:
“Cueto winds, shimmies and delivers, Beltre bends down on to one knee and drives it out of the park”
“Diaz gives Cueto a 5.9 for artistic impression…the Rangers are taking that one to video review for sure”
“Never mind that, Joe, over at first, Beltre has been awarded a 6.0…we’ve got ourselves a video review requested by both teams…I don’t think I’ve ever seen that”
Likewise, I give this comment a 6.0 (on a 0 to 6.0 scale).
Scratch that: I actually give it a 6.5, because it includes my favorite player of all time, Mr. Beltre.
I dub that kid’s nickname Johnny Cute-o.
That’s a winner, Trav P. Seriously. Better copyright it, pronto.
This is amazing. Thank you for bringing it to my attention, Carson.
Apparently Feedly lied to me about who authored this post. So, thank you John.
I didn’t notice, but based on a couple of the comments here, it’s apparent that Carson accidentally put this piece under his byline when plugging it into the system. Trust me, I would love to take credit for Carson’s pieces, but I doubt he shares a reciprocal sentiment.
Anyhoo, on to more pertinent matters: You’re welcome, Bryce! Cueto’s awesome dance really is an awesome piece of awesomeness. I hope the bigwigs don’t put the hammer down. Hitters can either A) adjust or B) buy another drink, stand against the wall and watch.
Quit whining and take your whipping like a man, Ausmus! I thought catchers were supposed to be tough…
The shimmy looks more like a rebalancing technique for when he almost falls over from that drastic twist. Did the same thing against the Jays.
I doubt the “dancing” part is deliberate, he probably just turned a little too much and had to rebalance.
No, it’s deliberate. He switches between that and a quick pitch throughout every game. He called it “the rocking chair” in an interview he did while still with Cincinnati.
Yeah, I understand what you’re saying, Hammer, and I suppose it’s possible, but I agree with greg: It looks deliberate.
Is this the stealth return of NotGraphs?
Even most commenters thought Cistulli wrote this.
I just clicked on this article hoping it was something stupid (in the best sense of that word), and it was!
Buddy, when yer in the market for sump’n stupid, just call my name! Actually, you can project into the night sky an image of Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel, a la the Bat Signal, and I will come running … though not until I’m done watching my stories.
Eh, I’m with Ausmus. C’mon, Cueto does not need another advantage over these guys he’s dominating… just throw the damn ball. The way umps don’t call anything on this is like how refs never called MJ for travelling.
There are several (if not more!) ways to look this Cueto thing, and I think they’re all legit and defensible unless they are A) “let’s sentence Cueto to 30 years hard labor in a Russian gulag!” or, conversely, B) “let’s make Cueto the Prince of Monaco!” I see your point and don’t wholeheartedly reject it, but in recent years I’ve come down on the side of “eh, it’s just baseball, it ain’t global warfare, let’s keep it fun.” I suppose my feelings will become more malleable, however, when Mr. Cueto is facing my team. Such is life.
Punish him by playing the 2013 NL wild card game on the video board.
He actually started the start before this one vs Minnesota, at least that’s the first time I ever witnessed it. It does look like it should be illegal but then again, if any pitcher can change his wind up that often in the same at bat (he literally broke out like 4 different wind ups against the tigers in his last start) and still maintain pin point control, then maybe, just maybe, you should be allowed to use that incredible talent to your advantage.
Regarding: “…if any pitcher can change his windup that often … and still maintain pinpoint control … then he should be allowed to use that incredible talent…”: I was thinking the same thing while watching Cueto against the Tigers. For most mortals, it’s hard enough to throw quality strikes, let alone with different windups. I say if ya got it, flaunt it. But as mentioned above, if Cueto is doing the Lambada in a tie game against my team in the ninth inning of Game 7 … well, I reserve the right to change my mind.
Glad someone finally took the time out to write about this, I’ve been watching him do this “rocking chair” windup along with the quick pitches for almost 2 months now and am shocked that I haven’t seen any articles on the internet about it.
The first hit in a google search for “Lingerie League’s most evasive tailback” is this post.
The second hit refers to a Carmen Bourseau of the LA Temptation. So now we know who to hook Luis Tiant up with.
I find it a little hard to celebrate a guy who ended Jason LaRue’s career with a kick to the back of the head. He’s unquestionably talented, but should have kicked out of the league five years ago.
*rolls eyes
This post and that wiggle are both really Notty.