One Night Only: Smorgasbord of Wonders

Tonight’s array of games might best be described as “dizzying” — or, if not “dizzying,” then “wicked dizzying.”

Seriously, the five games below (analyzed in depth via the wonder of bullet point) are only the tip of the NERD iceberg, and completely omit tonight’s highly anticipated showdown between Scott Baker and Chris Narveson. Ya heard!

(Totally infallible NERD scores in parentheses.)

Jaime Garcia (8) at Brett Cecil (7), 7:07pm ET
• Startling fact: Between them, Garcia and Cecil are younger than Jamie Moyer.
• Likely occurrence: Jose Bautista hits an a-million-foot home run.
• Word of warning: The Rogers Centre, or whatever you wanna call it, is un peu de sad and depressing — on TV, in person, whatever.

Justin Verlander (8) at Jonathon Niese (6), 7:10pm ET
• Not-that-startling-but-still-true fact: Justin Verlander throws his fastball at an average of 95.8 mph.
• Additionally: He often follows it up with a curveball best described as “stoopit.”
• In conclusion: It’s a little bit mystifying that he’s only running an 8.2% swinging-strike rate. Not that I’m complaining.

Tim Lincecum (10) at Roy Oswalt (9), 8:05pm ET
• Direct quote: “Hi, my name’s Tim Lincecum. I have kinda a dumb haircut. But also, guess what? I’m about to throw you my changeup and you’re going to (a) swing at and (b) miss it.”
• Other direct quote: “Hi, my name’s Roy Oswalt. You may have forgotten about me, on account of I play on a team that blows. But guess what? I’m averaging more strikeouts per nine innings (8.68) than I have at any other point in my career, save my very first season in the majors, 2001, when I also threw a whole bunch of relief innings.”
• Jason Castro and Chris Johnson are the closest things the Astros have to bone fide prospects. They’re also very likely to play tonight.

Jon Lester (8) at Jhoulys Chacin (7), 8:40pm ET
• Some people — including resident philosicator Matt Klaassen — have suggested that lefties deserve a velocity adjustment of sorts for NERD. Like, lefties should get 3 mph added to their fastballs, or something. In fact, Lester already has one of the league’s fastest fastpieces
• Startling fact: The Red Sox are only a game out of first place. Say wha-?
• Shocking discovery: Ryan Spilborghs is not related to a certain, incredibly famous Hollywood director.

Andy Pettitte (5) at Dan Haren (9), 9:40pm ET
• Dan Haren might be the single most interesting fantasy trade target right now, given how far his ERA (4.71) is above his xFIP (3.43). His BABIP and HR/FB are way higher than in previous years. His LOB% is way lower. Carpe the diem outta that crap, is what I’m saying.
• Cole Gillespie will probably start in left for Arizona. He’s youngish and worth a damn.
• Adam LaRoche. What? I like Adam LaRoche. So sue me. (Actually, on second thought, maybe don’t sue me. That’s not gonna work out well for anybody.)