The Real Truth Behind Derek Jeter’s Gold Glove — Revealed!

Yesterday, Major League Baseball announced that Derek Jeter just won his fifth Gold Glove at the age of 36. Many people greeted this news with a grin or an eye-roll; Aaron Gleeman pretended to be incredulous that Jeter was “denied a National League Gold Glove award,” while baseball-reference.com briefly posted a comment that said “We can’t believe it either.”

Unfortunately, I can believe it. To explain the reason that Jeter won his Gold Glove requires me to break the omerta of the baseball blogosphere, Thou Shalt Remind People That Jeter’s Defense Sucks. This creed is the reason that, as Joe Posnanski wrote yesterday, “There are ‘How did Jeter win another Gold Glove’ posts popping up every eight seconds on the Internet (there will be 48 new ones by the time you finish reading this post).”

(In order to renew my Fangraphs membership, every six months, Dave Cameron flies out to meet me in an unmarked parking garage in Washington DC, where I swear a blood oath by candlelight on a stack of Necronomicons never to write anything complimentary about Derek Jeter’s mobility or range. Cameron’s post about Jeter yesterday was faithful to our sworn mission.) The awful secret of Derek Jeter’s fifth Gold Glove requires a little background in a few of the more esoteric domains of human knowledge. This may be the most important blog post I ever write; if it is the last, dear readers, only you will know the truth.

Derek Jeter was born on June 26, 1974, or 6/26/74. Six plus 26 is thirty-two — exactly one less than 33, the maximum number of degrees in Freemasonry. James Downard and Michael Hoffman explored the Masonic conspiracy to kill John F. Kennedy in their controversial “KING-KILL/33°,” perhaps the most dangerous anti-Masonic text ever written. They noted that “Oswald may have undergone biotelemetry implantation in the Soviet Union while a ‘volunteer’ at a Behavior Control Center at Minsk.” “Minsk,” of course, is very close to Minka, as in Minka Kelly, Derek Jeter’s alleged fiance. Kelly has neither confirmed nor denied that she and Jeter are Freemasons of the 33rd degree.

Derek Jeter played his first game on May 29, 1995, but didn’t win his first Gold Glove until November 2, 2004: there were 3445 days in between his debut and his first Gold Glove. The base 10 number 3445 is 2652 in base 11; the base 11 number 3445 is 4526 in base 10; 4526 plus 2652 is 7178. During Derek Jeter’s career, no Yankee has ever worn the numbers 71 or 78.

In fact, this number is a code originated by the heretical Rosicrucian sect: the first is a page number, and the second refers to 1978, the year that both Pope John Paul I and Pope John Paul II ascended to the Holy See. On page 71 of “The Secret Doctrine of the Rosicrucians,” the Fifth Aphorism is revealed: “The One is the Flame of Life. The Many are the Sparks in the Flame. The Flame once lighted kindles everything within its sphere. The Fire is in everything and everywhere; there is nothing dark or cold within its sphere.” Five: the number of world championships and Gold Gloves.

“The Flame of Life” is an Italian romance novel first published in English in 1900. On page 55 — five for the championships and five for the Gloves — is written the essence of the Jeter animus:

Their number is made up of those who have drunk in your poetry, who have breathed the fiery ether of your dream, who have felt the clutch of your own chimera. It is made up of those to whom you have promised a stronger and more beautiful life, to whom you have announced the world’s transfiguration by the miracle of a new art.

Voters were powerless in the face of one with mastery over the transfiguration of the world. Derek Jeter is no mere mortal, and his fifth Gold Glove no mere reward for defensive excellence. It is his very birthright, as foretold throughout the ages.

I only pray that I will survive the revelation of these secrets.