All-Joy Team: Ben “The BZA” Zobrist

Note to the Reader: I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure that what follows constitutes a genre-busting moment in the annals of sportswriting. So, just prepare yourself for that, is what I’m saying.

What you’re reading when you’re reading these words is Carson Cistulli’s most recent submission to the All-Joy Team. If you’re unfamiliar with the project, then you’ll want to read the introductory posts (yes, plural!) some time before you shuffle off this mortal coil.

In the meantime, you’ll be fine knowing that this is an attempt to compile a 25-man roster of current players most capable of providing joy to the sabermetrically inclined.

Today, shortstop (categories in parentheses).

SS: Ben Zobrist, Tampa Bay (1,3,5)
Sometimes you’re enamored of a player because he rises from relative obscurity to the top of the WAR charts on the strength of power, patience, and a glove than can handle almost any position admirably. Other times, it’s because a normally courteous internet presence threatens violence against your person unless you include him (i.e. Zobrist) in the Fake Team you’re composing.

In this case, it’s both.

I’m sure I don’t have to remind present company about Zobrist’s criz-nasty 2009 season. I don’t have to, but I will, anyway. Regard:

40.1 park-adjusted wRAA

Pow!

26.4 UZR

Bang!

8.6 WAR.

Schla-gong!!!

Owing to the East Coast/West Coast-style gang war currently going on in re peak years, I feel uncomfortable saying whether the 28-year-old Zobrist has already had, is about to enter, or is currently in the midst of his peak. One school of thought — a.k.a. probably the only school that would ever grant admission to someone like me — is that it doesn’t particularly matter: Zobrist has made his bed, lied in it, fallen into a deep asleep, woken up the next day, driven to Tropicana field, hit a bunch of homers, gone to the club with R. Kelly, gone to the after party with R. Kelly, gone to the hotel lobby with R. Kelly, hired a car service to bring him home, and fallen back asleep in/on/whatever that very same bed that he made earlier. In other words: he’s the realest of the deals. Ya heard!

Another point in Zobrist’s favor — and one that makes him a Category Five player — is the presence of the letter Z in his surname. It’s a well-known fact that Zs are reserved only for the coolest of the cool dudes: Bay Area yoga instructor and occasional left-handed starter Barry Zito, German filmmaking ubermensch Werner Herzog, and Wu-Tang founding fathers The RZA and The GZA.

The BZA — as he’s known to absolutely no one — is projected by CHONE to bat .268/.368/.463. ZiPS is even less optimistic: .261/.356/.443. My Intution says “Funk dat.” And much like Sex Panther cologne, 60 percent of the time, my Intuition is right every time.

Oh, and to the guy in the back who’s all, “Hey, why’d you pick Zobrist to play shortstop when he’s clearly more valuable as a second bas- blah blah blah,” here’s my reply: First, I think it’s pretty obvious we all agreed to call him “The BZA.” Get it right, please. Second, I’ve already made it abundantly clear that I will not always be “utilizing reason” or “using facts” to support these selections. If you have a problem with that, take it up with the transparent eyeball: