FanGraphs+ Player-Profile Game: Question #3

by
February 11, 2015

Play the player-profile game every day this week at 11:15am ET. We’re giving away a free annual subscription to FanGraphs+ to the first reader who guesses correctly the identity of that day’s mystery player. (Limit one copy per customer).

As Eno Sarris announced Monday, the newest iteration of FanGraphs+ is now available for purchase with money. As in recent years, we’re celebrating the release of FG+ by way of the player-profile game.

Said game is easy: the author offers the text of an actual player profile from the newest iteration of FG+, being careful to omit any proper names that might reveal the identity of the player in question. The reader, in turn, attempts to identify the player using only the details provided in the profile.

First reader to guess correctly (in the comments section below) gets a free annual subscription to FanGraphs+.

Today’s entry was composed by Patrick Dubuque and actually appeared in last year’s edition of FG+, but is of such considerable merit that it deserves to be revisited.

Who is it?

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[THIS PLAYER] is the opposite of baseball. Obviously I was not forceful enough last year in my appraisal of Mr. [SURNAME’S] talents. Through a combination of necessity and insanity, [HIS CLUB] wrote [HIS] name into their lineup card nearly ninety times this season, starting half of them at first base. That’s right: not only will he back next year, he’ll have lost all middle infield eligibility. And he will be back: we are assured this by his agent as well as the fickle, hateful universe. So, to approximate (for even with a thesaurus, describing [THIS PLAYER] is like looking at infinity): [THIS PLAYER] is getting a charlie horse while bending down to put your baby in her crib to sleep. [THIS PLAYER] is getting out of the house ten minutes late to work and then getting stuck behind the school bus on the one-lane road. [THIS PLAYER] is Deadly Towers for the Nintendo Entertainment System. [THIS PLAYER] is gum in hair. He is hair in gum. He is the inevitable heat death of the universe, the astronaut who comes home from light speed travel to find his son dead of old age, a can of Bud Light Clamato.

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Carson Cistulli has published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.

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here goes nothing
10 years ago

Alex Gonzalez

0