I Insist That You Gaze Upon My Toe Forthwith

It’s entirely possible, dear sir, that I simply misheard you given the permeating hubbub in this, our fair city’s modern-day Colosseum, but just a moment ago I was left with the odd impression that you might have pronounced me out. At the risk of contravening such an esteemed authority as yourself, I aver that I must have misheard you, owing to the fact it surely was clear to one and all that the only sensible course of action under a circumstance such as this one would be to adjudge the ball foul. The only fair call is a foul ball (if you’ll forgive the indulgence), but as I say, these ears love nothing so much as to play their little tricks on me from time to time, so if the issue at hand is a simple case of misapprehension, then simply say the word and off I’ll scurry. It would be my genuine pleasure to gather my lumber, as it were, and assume once more the ready position here in the right-hand rectangle, for I do adore a tussle.

What’s that, you say? My ears are blameless? You really did declare that I’d been retired, despite the truth of the matter, which, if I may be so bold, is quite as clear as a confessor’s conscience in the midday sun? Why sir, anyone with eyes to see is cognizant of the incontrovertible fact that prior to embarking on its third-ward journey, the sphere departed my bludgeon on a downward trajectory and impacted my southern-most appendage. I grimaced, I cried out, I cast my beloved bat onto the dirt. Are you under the impression that I, of all people, would undertake such unseemly remonstrations without proportionate provocation? Did you not witness my hop? Verily, I hopped in pain – physical pain – though I confess at this juncture I would gladly trade my current psychogenic anguish for that mere trifle of an ouchie.

Allow me to arrogate for just a trice the office of devil’s advocate: If not for the unmistakable sensation of horsehide on shoe leather, why in the name of God’s verdant turnip patch would I, with the contest perched precariously in the balance, remain rooted to this dusty spot once I’d witnessed the sphere trickling toward that large gentleman in the brown-striped pajamas? Forgive my tone; I’m quite vexed. But — dropping old Beelzebub as a client once and for all — had I merely introduced the ball to the diamond after the standard fashion, would I not have scampered off with all the alacrity my inviolate extremities could muster? Are we not acquainted? Surely, you’re aware that when exertion is the order of the day, I am never one to dally. No, my cerulean compatriot, it was never my intention to intimate you should be addressed as Shirley.

Well then. As these humble words crash upon deaf ears (to say nothing of sightless eyes), you leave me little recourse. For you see, I happen to have not just on my person, but as a very part of my person, some utterly convincing – on second thought, why pretend to any false modesty? I would be so bold as to label it positively conclusive – exculpatory evidence. Can I tempt you into a guess as to where it resides? I’ll proffer a hint: It went to market, its next-door neighbor went home, and the charming fellow two houses over had roast beef. Of a certainty, we must be on the same page at this point in the rhyme.

Allow me for an instant to bend over and untie this knot. Wait, yes, just a moment now. It sometimes requires a tug. Hrrmm. As I say, it’s a little snug. Don’t turn a away. Hrrrmmmm. Ahem, and now for the knee-high. Well, there you have it. The hour for half-measures is past. Sir, please turn and face me. I’m considerably asymmetrical at the present time, and I find it tiresome to heave after you so. Sir, I now frankly beg of you to gaze upon it. Should you deign to bow your head, you’ll witness the slight discoloration, possibly even some slight intumescence and the indications of a nascent contusion. In short, all the hallmarks of a recent impact. Sir, I demand that you lower your gaze and behold the damaged digit. What do you mean you don’t want to look at this little piggy? Why no, my good man, I most certainly will not go Wee! Wee! Wee! all the way home.