The FanGraphs World Series Gift Guide to World Series Gifts

The World Series is here! Well, not here. This is the internet. But the World Series is happening now, or soon, or… I refuse to continue covering up for how literally you are reading this opening. Point is, this is the time when baseball has the collective attention of the baseball-watching world and, possibly not coincidentally, this is also the time when fans of the teams that are still alive in the playoffs are cajoled into compelled to purchase World-Series-inspired items to World Series-ize themselves for the big games. Can a Royals fan really truly enjoy the Series without American League Champion beverage coasters? Can a Mets fan feel the tension without a World Series-themed oven mitt? I double-dog dare you!

It is in this vein that I present, here, now, to you, the internet baseball reader, the FanGraphs World Series Gift Guide to World Series Gifts.

The first item any self-respecting fan requires is a t-shirt. And boy does baseball have you covered there! Of course there are shirts for fans of the Royals and fans of the Mets, but that mere fact highlights a small problem with this sort of thing. As the World Series has yet to be played, we don’t yet know who the winner is. Thus, any fan who purchases a 2015 World Series t-shirt now is taking a chance. Who among us wants to wear a t-shirt commemorating that time our favorite baseball team lost the World Series? Or, even worse, blew the Series in horrific and excessively painful fashion! All you Rangers fans wear your 2011 World Series shirts to parties all the time, I’m sure. An even more recent example can be found here:

A side note: I think this pretty well encapsulates why the idea of “who wants it more” is irrelevant. Also, take a walk around picturesque Wrigley Field right now. Go ahead. We’ll wait. Okay. There. Did you see any t-shirts commemorating the 2015 postseason? No, you did not. And there is a reason for that. You may have noticed in the above image that there is one review of the item listed. A single, lonely review. Allow me to quote that review in full.

“it sucks”

So. There is that.

Beyond that, though, there is another problem. What if your team wins? You’ll want a “We Won The Damn World Series!!!!1!!!” t-shirt then, won’t you? You don’t see many Red Sox fans with “2004 Wild Card Champions” t-shirts around, or many Democrats with “Barack Obama: 2012 Iowa Straw Poll Champion” hats. And there is a reason for that and it’s entirely obvious and requires no more commentary on my part to explain, so we’ll now move on to the next sentence. If you want a “2015 World Series t-shirt,” they do have them, but if you can restrain yourself for a week you’ll either save 10 bucks on a shirt you’ll never wear or, alternatively, have the opportunity to buy an even better one.

So, alright, maybe t-shirts aren’t what you’re looking for. How about something larger? Something more lawn-signy? Like, hmmm, oh, how about lawn signs! I’ve got just the lawn sign for you, but first something that seems like a digression but, sadly, isn’t. There is just something delicious about cross-promotion, isn’t there? Two marketing departments working together?

First Marketing Department Person: Marketing firm, hello?

Second Marketing Department Person: Hi! I’m calling from the marketing firm for Major League Baseball and…

First Marketing Department Person: Good-bye!

Second Marketing Department Person: Wait, wait! I have an idea for cross-synergizing the marketing potential of our products!

First Marketing Department Person: Well, why didn’t you say so? I’m listening.

The mere thought fills one to the brim with warm, fuzzy, American Dream. An excellent example of which can be seen here:

While it’s not strictly World Series-related, just $28 to proclaim “I’m a very specific type of nerd!” to your entire neighborhood is a bargain at twice the price. Wow, do you ever need one of those for the porch! And the kitchen! And the bathroom! But, if Star Wars isn’t your thing, maybe you want something more general, something that will stand the test of time, as long as “the test of time” is defined as the better part of a week. Try this on for size (not literally because that would be weird):

AL Champs! Whoo-hoo! Hope you don’t live next to a Mets fan!

Maybe you require a more personalized type of World Series-based gift though. Fortunately, MLB has you covered there, as well, with this photo ticket frame featuring attractive family members that are not, nor would ever be, related to you:

Look how happy they are! Clearly they are actors standing in for actual Mets fans. No actual Mets fan I’ve ever met has ever been this happy. From the moment they become sentient, Mets fans take on a deep-seated inner sadness. Look into their eyes, if you dare. You’ll come away shaken. Your view of the human condition will never be the same. Unless you’re a Cardinals fan. Then yay happy happy joy joy!

In any case, there’s a frame for your ticket and a place for a picture that you take of yourself and your family. Though if you’re anything like me, the ticket will be crumpled up and coated in soda and/or beer, and the photo will be a blurry image showing the side of your head, a probably stranger’s arm, and the side of the head of that annoying guy next to you who kept burping. Memories!

So, baseball fans. Now we get down to it. There is nothing more stressful for a true fan than being in the playoffs. Death lurks around every corner. Every pitch is a new opportunity for the universe to poop on your head. Doom is coming and you can’t look away. It’s truly horrible. So what helps people through these troubled times? Alcohol!

Drink your ability to process sadness away with these handsome new pint glasses! By the time you get them you’ll very likely need them!

Perhaps the most ubiquitous item is the hat. I myself own several of them! And should you choose to celebrate your team’s success with a new hat, there are many to pick from. For example, you could have one that says “Nyown the NL” or one that says “Kcown the AL”. Let’s all just be happy* the Baltimore Orioles didn’t win the AL this year.

*or very very unhappy!**

**Sound it out if you don’t quite get why

My favorite hat so far, and I’ve perused about 100 of them, is this one:

It’s an arresting design, and the bright orange means you are 12% less likely to be run over when crossing the street (this is just science). Also, nothing says “class” like a body with a giant baseball head. The only problem with it — the ONLY problem — is Mr. Met is not wearing a hat with Mr. Met on it. So why did Mr. Met pick a regular Mets hat? Is this a subtle dig at this hat? Even this hat would prefer to be a regular Mets cap? Mr. Met should be wearing this exact style of hat, so that the Mr. Met on Mr. Met’s cap would be wearing a cap with Mr. Met on it, who would be wearing a cap with Mr. Met on it, who would be wearing a cap with Mr. Met on it, and on and on. Buy a telescope and train it on Mr. Met’s head and you’ll see tiny Mr. Mets wearing little hats with even smaller Mr. Mets into infinity and beyond.

Question! How much would you pay for dirt? If you said $20, you said too much!

The Royals are offering, for a mere $19.99 (plus shipping), dirt. It’s not World Series dirt though because the World Series hasn’t been played yet, but it is actual dirt from the actual Kaufman Stadium in Kanas City, MO. I like how the bottle says “Bottled & MLB Authenticated” at the bottom. It’s in a bottle so, yes, I’m with you. Then there’s the next part. I’m sure many if not all of you people reading the internet at work are thinking, “My job sucks. I wish I could really do something with my life. I want to make a difference. I want to help people!” I urge you to act on that impulse and contact MLB’s offices about becoming an Official MLB Dirt Authenticator. Or, better yet, show up in person!

But yeah, that’s dirt. You just paid twenty bucks for dirt. But don’t worry, I’m sure the Red Cross and Doctors Without Boarders are doing just fine.

That’s as far as you and I will go today, but I urge you to spend some time on your favorite team’s website. Because this is an important time. It’s the World Series, after all. There is so much to see and buy and get and purchase and own. Go team!