NERD Game Scores: Houston Astros Utopian Tale Event
Devised originally in response to a challenge issued by viscount of the internet Rob Neyer, and expanded at the request of nobody, NERD scores represent an attempt to summarize in one number (and on a scale of 0-10) the likely aesthetic appeal or watchability, for the learned fan, of a player or team or game. Read more about the components of and formulae for NERD scores here.
Most Highly Rated Game
Houston at Cleveland | 19:10 ET
Velasquez (25.2 IP, 116 xFIP-) vs. Kluber (118.2 IP, 66 xFIP-)
Talented Cleveland right-hander Corey Kluber faces a group of young men who, after crash-landing on an uninhabited island in the Pacific following a wartime evacuation, instead of descending into murderous anarchy — instead of doing that, proceeded rather to diligently train and practice baseball, eventually forming a club and joining Major League Baseball as the Houston Astros. Today represents an opportunity to experience their inspirational story again, as if for the first time.
Readers’ Preferred Broadcast: Cleveland Radio.
Two Brief Notes
Perpetually Looping Video: Chris Heston on the Human Predicament
On Monday night, San Francisco starter Chris Heston performed a dramatic rendition depicting the futility of all human endeavor, throwing a pickoff attempt to a first base recently vacated by teammate Brandon Belt.
Today’s Free Game
Today’s free game features Los Angeles AL at Colorado, starts at 20:40 ET, and can be accessed by means of this hyperlinked text.
Complete Schedule
Here’s the complete and very sortable table for all of today’s games. Pitching probables and game times aggregated from MLB.com and also the rest of the internet. Note that the calculations both for team and game NERD scores have changed recently to better integrate playoff odds into same. Read more about those changes here, if you’re the sort of person accustomed to making poor life decisions.
| Away | SP | Tm. | Gm. | Tm. | SP | Home | Time | ||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Tyler Lyons | STL | 9 | 4 | 7 | 7 | 8 | CHN | Jake Arrieta | 13:20 |
| Tim Cooney* | STL | 5 | 4 | 5 | 7 | 3 | CHN | Dallas Beeler* | 20:05 |
| Matt Moore* | TB | 6 | 4 | 5 | 7 | 1 | KC | Chris Young | 14:10 |
| Matt Andriese | TB | 5 | 4 | 5 | 7 | 4 | KC | Edinson Volquez | 20:10 |
| Johnny Cueto | CIN | 7 | 4 | 6 | 4 | 10 | WAS | Max Scherzer | 19:05 |
| Sonny Gray | OAK | 7 | 4 | 7 | 9 | 7 | NYA | Nathan Eovaldi | 19:05 |
| Tyson Ross | SD | 7 | 3 | 6 | 8 | 8 | PIT | Francisco Liriano | 19:05 |
| Vince Velasquez | HOU | 4 | 10 | 8 | 6 | 10 | CLE | Corey Kluber | 19:10 |
| Dan Haren | MIA | 3 | 5 | 4 | 5 | 3 | BOS | Wade Miley | 19:10 |
| Robbie Ray | AZ | 5 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 3 | TEX | Yovani Gallardo | 20:05 |
| Manny Banuelos* | ATL | 6 | 2 | 4 | 3 | 6 | MIL | Tyler Cravy* | 20:10 |
| Kevin Gausman | BAL | 6 | 7 | 5 | 3 | 4 | MIN | Kyle Gibson | 20:10 |
| Undecided | TOR | 5 | 9 | 5 | 1 | 5 | CHA | Jose Quintana | 20:10 |
| Andrew Heaney | LAA | 8 | 8 | 6 | 4 | 5 | COL | Chad Bettis | 20:40 |
| Kyle Ryan | DET | 3 | 4 | 5 | 4 | 10 | SEA | Taijuan Walker | 22:10 |
| Chad Billingsley | PHI | 2 | 2 | 4 | 5 | 6 | LAN | Brett Anderson | 22:10 |
| Bartolo Colon | NYN | 6 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | SF | Matt Cain* | 22:15 |
* = Fewer than 10 IP, NERD at discretion of very handsome author.
Carson Cistulli has published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.
TOR starter looks like Felix Doubront
Has there ever been a negative NERD?
That gif is beautiful.
Tyler Lyons has a higher NERD than Jake Arrieta?
Is it possible that “undecided” could have went longer than Yimi Garcia last night?
So are the Astros a long-lost team of baseball players? And is Corey Kluber going to shred them to pieces?
I hope not.
I’m an Astros fan, so I appreciate that our low age and low payroll keep us at the top of NERD watchability.
That said, I’ll be excited to follow the Cueto vs. Scherzer matchup. If only their offenses were as exciting as their pitchers…
There is more futility of all human endeavor going on in that GIF than you let on, Carson. Observe the runner diving back to first base, where there is absolutely no chance of a play being made on him. Indeed, had the throw frozen him, he would have been in a better position, closer to second.
The only way there could have been more futility is if the throw had gone into the runner as he slid into first, thus giving him no chance to advance. At that point, the universe would simply have shut down out of grief, the skies echoing with weeping and lamentation.
Or maybe hysterical laughter. Depends on what mood the universe was in.
Had Mr. Belt been positioned at first base to receive said throw, said runner was dead meat.
Washington Team and Cincy Team are only rated 4s? I mean, I guess we all deserve that…
Here is another unnecessary and irrelevant comment, and, also, further evidence that any time that I’ve come into close contact with a human female has been a result of exceedingly poor judgement on her part: Alec Grosser of the Rome Braves has been the wildest pitcher in affiliated baseball this year. He’s somehow avoided giving up on baseball and pursuing a more appropriate career, such as insurance claims adjuster or customer service rep at Target, while hitting 12 batters, throwing 19 wild pitches, giving up 49 walks, and striking out only 33 hitters over 65 innings. In case you’re wondering, when you add in the 64 hits Mr. Grosser has allowed, then do some elementary-school-level arithmetic involving his 312 total batters faced, you’ll learn that Mr. Grosser of the Rome Braves has failed miserably 46% of the time he’s been given an opportunity to get an out. That is all.
This comment is hilarious.
Poor Alec Grosser.
How are sonny gray and eovaldi equal in exciting scores?