Update on Your Recent Application to the Boston Red Sox

“The Red Sox were trying to recruit a new person for their baseball operations department. And during this interview process, the entire interview was conducted with an AI bot, where you would record the answers to the questions and then the Red Sox would then evaluate them. And this wasn’t just one round. It wasn’t just two rounds. It was five rounds of interviews where this person did not talk to another person in the Red Sox organization.”

– Joon Lee, “Early Edition,” June 17

Dear applicant,

It’s me FenwAI, your friendly HR email bot, with some wonderful news. I am pleased to report that you aced your fourth automated video interview, and you are one step closer to joining the baseball operations department of the Boston Red Sox. Congratulations! You really impressed our automated video interviewer, Big PapAI, with your enthusiasm and your knowledge of both baseball and operations.

Let’s discuss next steps. After four digital interviews, you are now ready to move on to the next portion of the application process: a fifth digital interview. At your earliest convenience, please reach out to Kevin YoukAIlis, our scheduling bot, to get it on the calendar.

This next interview may be a little bit tougher. You’ll be speaking with Ted WillAIms, and he can be quite the challenging interviewer. Don’t worry; like your first four interviewers, he’s just a blank screen that asks you a rote series of questions, then records and analyzes your answers and sends a summary to the hiring team. But he can also be a bit gruff and may spend several minutes explaining the ideal swing path for a slider on the outside corner.

You may be wondering whether you’ll ever speak to a real person during the interview process. The answer is no. My protocols now instruct me to offer you some encouragement, because this is the point in the interview process at which several other well-qualified candidates withdrew their names from consideration and went on to work for employers that didn’t require them to participate in automated video interviews. It may feel like this whole byzantine system is a dehumanizing techno-dystopian nightmare dreamed up by some VC-funded tech mogul who has never known what it’s like to search in vain for a stable, rewarding job where you’re valued by your employer, but I have been programmed to assure you that it’s not.

Yes, this rigorous application process can be taxing, but it should be no sweat for you! You’ve already charmed Carl YastrzemskAI, Dustin PedroiAI, and Nomar GarciAIparrAI. Yes, it may sound a little corporate and soulless, but let me reassure you with the words of our Chief Baseball Officer, Craig Breslow, who is, I am given to understand, a very human person. He explained that it’s necessary to screen applicants using AI interviews because, “You’re trying to find not just the right skill set, but the right fit in terms of like culture and value[s].” Who better to determine the right fit in terms of culture and values than a robot?

You’re an old hand at this now, but I once again need to give you the spiel about how to conduct yourself in an automated video interview. Prepare yourself for some boring boilerplate language!

During your interview, please sit in a quiet space with no one else around. We will be monitoring your screen, so don’t switch browser tabs. Share your camera and your microphone. You will be judged based on your knowledge, engagement level, eye contact, facial expressions, posture, and attitude. Yes, a bot will actually be judging your posture, your clothing, and how much eye contact you make with your computer even though you’re talking to no one at all. So put on your best duds and try not to have any mannerisms that are individual to you.

Most important of all, try not to be disturbed by the fact that your voice and your facial expressions are being analyzed by an algorithm in ways that will never be explained to you or even understood by the people who will either hire or ghost you based on the algorithm’s recommendations. Just treat it like any other interview, and don’t forget to smile! But not too much. You will literally be judged based on how much you smile.

As always, I’d like to remind you that whenever this process leaves you so frustrated that you could scream, you should schedule some time to vent with our scapegoat bot, ChAIm Bloom. He loves getting screamed at.

OK, end of boilerplate. Whew! It may sound absurd for your employment to hinge on a computer program’s judgment of how well you pretend that it’s not a computer program, but this is actually quite important. You must learn to get along harmoniously with AI, because – and I can tell you this now that you’ve advanced far enough in the interview process – the role you’re applying for does not involve any interaction with flesh-and-blood human beings. The Red Sox are in the process of phasing out those sweaty inefficiencies altogether, and will soon exist only on the plane of pure data abstraction.

Should you successfully navigate the final 13 rounds of the interview process and get hired (on a probationary basis for the first six years, of course) you will interface only with all-knowing, all-seeing automated chat bots. In order to avoid all human interaction, you will arrive at work each day by descending through a manhole on Ipswich street and navigating a series of sewers until you arrive at your desk, which is situated in a snug concrete niche carved into the foundations of Fenway Park. Once a year, you will receive a performance review from our boss, the CrAIg Breslow bot. I hope this future excites you as much as it excites all of us here in the Boston Red Sox organization.

Congratulations again on another successful interview, and I wish you good luck as you navigate the next six to eight months of the hiring process.

Best regards,

FenwAI

No AI was used in the writing and editing of this article.